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Week 8 cliché quote converter: Doeren teaches hangover effect 101

Dave Doeren
Cliff Welch/Icon Sportswire

We just need to execute. It’s going to be a tough game, but we need to be prepared physically and mentally and stick to our game plan.

That, my friends, is a template given to coaches and players to read whenever a member of the media asks a question.

We like to think that the coaching gurus and athletes are holding back from speaking their minds, no matter how arrogant, pretentious, or honest the responses are.

We take the cliché quotes from the weekend and alter them — only a bit. Dave Doeren may need the hair of the dog to get back on track.

N.C. State head coach Dave Doeren on the aftermath of a heartbreaking loss to Clemson, and subsequently being trounced by Louisville:

“I can’t tell you we weren’t emotionally hurt last week, we were. But I don’t know if that’s the reason it looked like it did today.”

What Doeren probably wanted to say:

“We didn’t start preparing for Louisville until, I don’t know, Friday morning. What do you want me to do? Throw those kids out onto the practice field with those emotions swirling around? Imagine slinging a full bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and then having to ace your Biology test at 9:00 a.m. the following day. You’re not going to just sip on your Pedialyte and get back to 100 percent. You’re going to email your professor and tell him you have strep throat. We mailed it in too, because, well, hangover.”

Penn State cornerback Grant Haley on upsetting No. 2 Ohio State in Happy Valley:

“It was an exhilarating experience for all of us. We’ve worked so hard and to have this moment against the No. 2 team in the country and come out on top was an amazing experience.”

What Haley probably wanted to say:

“What kind of pizza did [Ohio State head coach] Urban Meyer eat after the game?”

*For those that don’t get the gist, check out this masterpiece.

BYU head coach Kalani Sitake on the Cougars faking a 4th and 19 punt from their own five-yard line:

“We wanted to be aggressive. We came to win the game and it just didn’t work out. They made a great adjustment — something that we haven’t seen in prior games. But we wanted to be aggressive and it didn’t hurt us. Our defense had our backs.”

What Sitake probably wanted to say:

“We thought we had them. It’s like when you’re playing Madden and you go to punt formation really quick and look to your friend and go ‘damn, ha ha, this punt is going to be super difficult, wow you’re playing really good defense, man.’ And then he kind of doesn’t know that you pressed circle for a fake punt. Kind of wish we audibled because that play was worse than the Indianapolis Colts’ fake punt.”

Boise State head coach Bryan Harsin on squeaking out a 28-27 win over BYU:

“All these sorts of things that really take a football team and find ways to lose games, we’re able to win it. We still have to understand we have a long ways to go.”

What Harsin probably wanted to say:

“Oh my gosh, that fake punt [puts back of hand to forward and leans back]. Whichever coach called that should be booted from the state of Utah. I am hashtag dead. No team that runs a fake on 4th and 19 from its own five-yard line will ever win a game. What did he think this was, some game of Madden?”

Last but not least, how about Charlie Strong helping a friend out? Not only does he allude to a cliché quote, he follows it up with another one!

Strong on the Longhorns’ struggles, capped off by a loss to Kansas State:

“I’ve worn that cliche out where ‘we’re so close,’ not so much we’re close – we need to capitalize and win those games.”

What Strong probably wanted to say:

“Anybody know the best spot to golf in Austin?”

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