I’ve become fixated on a variety of sports as my age climbs, so I’ll admit that when a fresh season embarks, it gives me a warm, fresh feeling of anticipation.
Nothing sets that demeanor quite like college football, so bear with me when I claim that I possess a keen eye for most everything. Many fans that solely care about the win or loss column will fail to comprehend quite what I’m attempting to preach, but when the ecstasy of collegiate pigskin hits home, it’s much more than just standings.
I notice most, including the things that send a wave of bitterness over me.
While I spend my restless nights jotting down my affection for college football in my diary titled “I love you college football, you are awesome, don’t change,” there were also many occasions this recent year alone that made me question my fanhood in 2014. Here were just a handful:
The Overuse of Phrases by Analysts
If I was handed a dollar for every time I heard Herbstreit, Musberger, or any of these cats that get paid a boat load of money to converse over a contest saying, “they want to get that skill position player the ball in space so he can make a play,” I’d secure so much revenue that I could purchase the entire Kardashian family and degrade them on how worthless they are as American citizens.
Hey guys, do you realize that’s the primary job of a slot receiver? It’s almost as if they scanned the program an hour prior to the game and singled out any wideout under 5″8′ to then give that description to him.
They make it seem like if the receiver hauls in a screen pass, he’s automatically liable for an invisibility cloak that he can drape over his jersey to just scamper into the endzone with.
And can we please have a variety of impact players for Tuesday MACtion? Sheesh.
Guest Appearances on College Gameday
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin slurping down Budweisers highlighted my College Gameday experience in ’14, but the ESPN crew must have been under the influence themselves when choosing guests.
Listen Brad Paisley, I’ve attended enough concerts to hear you hum about rifling deer down in the Himalayas, so do you think maybe you could glance over the slate of games for the given Saturday and leave us with a dash of analysis?
“Wisconsin-Rutgers, Brad, who do you have?”
“Well, my high school rewrote the Wisconsin fight song, so give me the Badgers.”
Brad. You could have settled a quarter on your thumb and flicked it a mile high rather than spew about your high school band.
I bet the Badgers remembered that Paisley’s fight song in his years as a teenager resembled the exact tune they take the field to, giving them an extra boost of momentum for facing Rutgers.
I love Katy Perry as much as the next guy who adores a soft voice with a voluptuous body, but that hair you rocked on Gameday should never be dialed up in public again. I was far from living the Teenage Dream.
The Lack of Preparation for the Hail Mary
“Okay coach, we’re up by five with :4 seconds left and the opponent has the ball at their own 40, what should we devise for a gameplan?”
“Yeah just do whatever you guys want” seemed like the response in 2014, as numerous teams were left clutching their helmets in disbelief over 60 yard bombs with zero time left on the clock.
When teams practice and coaches have that extra five minutes to do whatever they need, that’s when defending the Hail Mary should be implemented.
You know those things attached to your arms? Your hands? Yeah, now raise them as high as you can, like you’re attempting to snatch the clouds. Now with a forceful sway of those “hand” things, try to make contact with the ball thing flying in the sky.
Central Michigan’s Two-Point Conversion Attempt in the Bahamas Bowl
I’ve never seen my respect fly from one end of the spectrum to the next when Central Michigan stormed back against Western Kentucky in the 2014 Bahamas Bowl, nearly overcoming a 35-point deficit in the final quarter.
“It was Christmas Eve, and all through the bowl, the Chippewas were beaten, the Hilltoppers would roll.
But all of a sudden the comeback took place, as Central Michigan quickly began their pace.
Once down 35, and now only 7, Cooper Rush tossed a ball that nearly hit heaven.
The receiver would lateral, then tackles would break, a bowl game so dramatic, you couldn’t fake.
Going for the win, execution I was sure of, only to see a fade route to a receiver I’ve never heard of.”
Written, narrated, and published by Alex Kolodziej.