We just need to execute. It’s going to be a tough game, but we need to be prepared physically and mentally and stick to our game plan.
That, my friends, is a template given to coaches and players to read whenever a member of the media asks a question.
We like to think that the coaching gurus and athletes are holding back from speaking their minds, no matter how arrogant, pretentious, or honest the responses are.
We take the cliché quotes from the weekend and alter them — only a bit. On to the Pac-12, where another swap of jersey threads has Mark Helfrich triggered.
“We never really talk about winning. We talk about process and improvement and better. At some point it’ll show up on the scoreboard. It’s been a rough go of it right now. …our number one goal is to improve.”
What Helfrich probably wanted to say:
“I’ll tell you what we need to improve on [trying very hard to rip jersey from the collar]. We are never. Wearing. These [sweating profusely, still trying to tear the jersey] dumb. Webfoot. Jerseys. ever again. Apparently when you look like Cal, you automatically play defense like the Golden Bears.”
“I’ve got a lot of respect for Kirby, he’s a great friend, and regardless of what happens Saturday, or 10 years from now, we’ll always be friends. He’s a very good friend of mine.”
What Muschamp probably wanted to say:
“Who’s Kirby? That little pink fella from the video game? This is SEC football. Heck, it took me 11 months and four friend requests to add Nick Saban back on Snapchat. Once it comes to the gridiron, I don’t have any friends; it wouldn’t be a ‘smart’ [winks] move on my part to befriend Kirby [Muschamp then gets asked about his offense’s struggles, at which point he begins flipping tables and yelling at media].
“I told the team and they were very, very disappointed. They were looking forward to playing this football game. I felt bad for them. They worked very hard. ..We’ve just got to take care of the task at hand. Whatever comes forward, we’re going to take care of the task and go forward. That’s something out of our control.”
What Orgeron probably wanted to say:
“I just find it funny, you know? The kids throw up six tuddys last week and now we got Mother Nature with a stick up her behind. [Looks up to the ceiling] What’s the matter Mother Naych? Got a problem with my new-look offense?
“It certainly wasn’t the intent to make the score [78-0] what it was. You look at (Chris Ash’s) team, he’s doing it the right way. He’s doing it very well. His team will be a factor soon. I have no doubt. He’s a great coach.”
What Harbaugh probably wanted to say:
[Cutting up a porterhouse with a machete and pouring a 44-ounce glass of vitamin D milk] “Ha. 78-0”.
“We kept playing 60 minutes. That’s the one thing we asked them to do, and they did it.”
What Fisher probably wanted to say:
“Those idiots on Finding Bigfoot have spotted that hairy, mythical creature the same number of times that Miami has beaten me over the last seven meetings. Superman has kryptonite. Miami has Jimbo Fisher. And that’s me [waves].”