We just need to execute. It’s going to be a tough game, but we need to be prepared physically and mentally and stick to our game plan.
That, my friends, is a template given to coaches and players to read whenever a member of the media asks a question.
We like to think that the coaching gurus and athletes are holding back from speaking their mind, no matter how arrogant, pretentious, or honest the responses are.
So we take the cliché quotes from the weekend and alter them — only a bit. We begin with one of college football’s most electric coaches, who nearly watched his ulcers shift from pink to the color of his opponent’s helmets.
Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney on the Tigers’ come-from-behind win over No. 3 Louisville, in which they blew a 28-10 halftime lead.
“I’m sure it was a great game to watch — it was a fun game to be a part of. Just incredible, just an incredible game. That’s what makes college football so fun. The biggest thing I say is I love the effort… the toughness… the passion of this team.”
What Swinney probably wanted to say:
“I would’ve rather torn an ACL running down that damn hill than watch our team in the third quarter. People want to bring up Clemsoni- [begins dry heaving]. Sorry, Clemsoning. That isn’t the case tonight. What do you want me to say? Sure, it was a bit nerve-wrecking. Thankfully that Louisville wide receiver [James Quick] didn’t make an obvious cut inside to score a touchdown on the final play. Can someone please get dictionary.com up on their mobile devices? Can you look up Clemsoning? CAN’T SEEM TO FIND IT MINE [laughs in an evil voice, dabs twice].
“Our kids had great character and if you don’t have competitive character you don’t find a way to win this football game. I’m really proud of them. They could have quit they could have stopped believing but they believed and everyone should be very very proud of them. And I’ll tell you this, we knew we were going to catch that football.”
What Jones probably wanted to say:
[pulls out rabbit foot from back pocket, a Ziploc bag full of four-leaf clovers from his front shirt pocket, and horseshoe from somewhere in his undergarments and lays it all on the press conference table]
“Wow! They finally paid off!”
“Well, yeah, uh, yeah, you wanna run it sometimes. So, uh, yeah, one of these days, one of these days before I retire, I’m going to throw it 100 percent one game and then run it 100 percent the next and tell everybody we’re balanced.”
What Leach probably wanted to say:
Actually, this quote is dripping in gold. No converting needed.
Arrrrrrr, Matey! That’s The Pirate being himself.
“I haven’t obsessed over that. I know you guys (media members) probably have, [athletic director] Shane [Lyons] probably has.”
What Holgorsen probably wanted to say:
“[checks off the top line of his notepad titled ‘How to Save Your Job’] You ever see the Happy Gilmore scene where he putts the golf ball into clown’s mouth and then he keeps spitting it out? I’m Happy — or the golf ball — and [Kansas State head coach] Bill Snyder is the clown. Just can’t beat the guy. Except I took my golf club and beat the ever living [expletive] over the clown’s nose on Saturday. One of Adam Sandler’s best movies by the way.”