We just need to execute. It’s going to be a tough game, but we need to be prepared physically and mentally and stick to our game plan.
That, my friends, is a template given out to coaches and players to read whenever a member of the media asks a question.
We like to think that the coaching gurus and athletes are holding back from speaking their mind, no matter how arrogant, pretentious, or just flat-out honest the responses are.
So we take the cliché quotes from the weekend and alter them — only a bit.
“First of all, I would like to give credit to Louisville. They did a great job in the game. They played extremely well – took care of the ball, made plays, defense tackled well, did a great job up front. They found the inches we didn’t find. We had some opportunities early in the game to make some plays and we didn’t match them in some scoring situations.”
What Fisher probably wanted to say:
“Once we saw the helmets Louisville was rocking, we knew we were [expletive]. That chrome finish is absolutely fire. Well, we were feeling pretty great heading into the week. The confidence only went up when Lee Corso picked [Louisville] on College GameDay to beat us. I don’t have his year-to-date record handy, but it can’t be that good. Yeah, Lamar Jackson tore us up, but whoever picked those helmets deserves — no, needs — a raise. Do they have that jersey combo in NCAA ’14? Too good.”
“They’re a tremendous team. Very well coached, played hard, and certainly did it today. It’s painful any time you lose and there’s not a lot of value that takes place when you do lose a game other than if you learn from it.”
What Ferentz probably wanted to say:
“[shaking head with feet up on the desk] I told them… I told them I didn’t want to face the Bison. [Rests side of head on folded hands, peers into space] They just took our money and made it rain on our parade. And not one of those afternoon drizzles [does slow drizzling motion with hands]; I’m talking massive downpour. Weather-alert-on-your-TV type of downpour. I thought the whole ‘sign a long-term contract and watch your performance dip’ was only in baseball. I guess not. Someone put these guys in the MAC.”
“I guess we didn’t tackle in the second half, missed some key tackles that we made in practice and in other games. I mean, you miss tackles, and they get big plays, but we just got to tackle better.”
What Johnson probably wanted to say:
“We keep asking [head] coach [Kliff] Kingsbury if he can spend time with the defense in practice but he’s usually hanging out with the offense during our defensive time. Like, sometimes we’ll be waiting for him, and he’s over there tossing up balls to the receivers, yelling, ‘JACKPOT, DEAD OR ALIVE.’ The other day in practice, he was running a formation with seven wide receivers. I tried to tell him it was illegal and all he did was make a gun with his fingers, pretend to shoot me, then blew some imaginary smoke and yelled, ‘GUNS UP’ really loud.”
“I have a number of people that manage my Twitter account. Just obviously going through it, somebody unfortunately made a mistake as they were scrolling through, inadvertently hit it and just a mistake, an unfortunate mistake that was made by one of my staff members.”
Among other issues, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly probably wants to address who does his Twitter likes. pic.twitter.com/ib4nNvx1Nk
— Brian Hamilton (@BrianHamiltonSI) September 18, 2016
What Kelly probably wanted to say:
“I was completely hacked. I knew I shouldn’t have had my password set to ‘password.’ I don’t even go through Twitter that much so believe me it wasn’t me [flipping through GIFs to find one that matches his upcoming tweet, which reads ‘Ugh when you have a press conference and all you wanna do is be chillin’ at home’]. I love Brad — I mean Brian. He’s doing a terrific job with the defense.”