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Week 10 cliché quote converter: Cowbells give Sumlin nightmares

Andy Altenburger/Icon Sportswire

We just need to execute. It’s going to be a tough game, but we need to be prepared physically and mentally and stick to our game plan.

That, my friends, is a template given to coaches and players to read whenever a member of the media asks a question.

We like to think that the coaching gurus and athletes are holding back from speaking their minds, no matter how arrogant, pretentious, or honest the responses are.

We take the cliché quotes from the weekend and alter them — only a bit. A simple sound continues to echo into the eardrums of Kevin  Sumlin.

Texas A&M head coach Kevin Sumlin on if there was a lack of energy in the team’s 35-28 loss to unranked Mississippi State:

“I don’t think there is a lack of energy. There were some busts. Their QB played extremely well. Ran it and was very accurate.”

What Sumlin probably wanted to say:

“I’m a firm believer in having music play during practice but we changed it up this week. Instead of listening to Kanye I just told our music guy to play a cowbell instrumental on an infinite loop to get the guys ready for Mississippi State’s atmosphere. Sure enough the Bulldogs scored first and that stadium was like a [expletive] orchestra room. Like taking a bunch of fifth graders and giving them percussion instruments and having them bang on them for four quarters. Our kids were shuddering with each clank. I had my wife check under my bed for cowbells before I went to sleep last night. Is Texas’s coaching position open yet by the way? Asking for one of my friends.”

Thank you, Mr. Sumlin.

Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer on the Buckeyes’ 62-3 statement win over Nebraska:

“I didn’t see that one coming. …Our guys fought really hard and found a way to win. Had two great drives to close out the game and started fast. Now we’re starting to put it all together, and I’m glad it’s happening now.”

What Meyer probably wanted to say:

“The first thing I do on Monday mornings is check to see how much were favored by that following Saturday. I couldn’t believe we were giving 17 to Nebraska [pauses] — until I saw the jerseys we were going to wear [holds up a 24×24 white poster with the fire flame emoji]. Surprised we didn’t win by triple digits to be honest.”

COLUMBUS, OH - NOVEMBER 05: Quarterback J.T. Barrett (16) of the Ohio State Buckeyes passes the ball during an NCAA football game between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Ohio State Buckeyes on November 05, 2016, at Ohio Stadium in Columbus, OH. (Photo by Khris Hale/Icon Sportswire)

COLUMBUS, OH – NOVEMBER 05: Quarterback J.T. Barrett (16) of the Ohio State Buckeyes passes the ball during an NCAA football game between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Ohio State Buckeyes on November 05, 2016, at Ohio Stadium in Columbus, OH. (Photo by Khris Hale/Icon Sportswire)

Georgia head coach Kirby Smart on the Bulldogs’ 27-24 win over the Kentucky Wildcats, in which Georgia kicked a game-winning field goal:

“They never quit. They fight as hard as any hard as any group I’ve ever been around. They just challenge each other. They challenge each other on the sideline, and they respond when adversity hits. And I can’t thank those kids enough for that, because it’s been tough.”

What Smart probably wanted to say:

“Needing a game-winning field goal to beat Kentucky football, what a time to be alive. We could have beaten those guys by more but I told our players to pay their respects to the Wildcats’ program for helping me out in my last four March Madness brackets. It’s common courtesy and I figured that if we could just do our due diligence and pay homage to the Kentucky basketball team, then it would be a win-win. I really hope we see a 16-seed team beat a 1-seed next spring, too.”

Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly on the team’s 28-27 loss to Navy:

“I know we lost the football game, and the first thing is to look to make some changes. But we’ve got a lot of inexperienced players that are gaining great experience. We’re still growing up, and I love the way we compete and play hard.”

What Kelly probably wanted to say:

“Nobody I despise more right now than [Navy] [head coach] Ken Neamonty — Nuhmontoolo — or whatever the hell his name is. That guy’s got alligator blood running through his veins. Those alligators are probably running the triple option, and to perfection, too. I don’t know. Salute.”

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